Trust in the Lord with all your heart.... even when your heart is breaking

My last post was about not taking things out of your life when they are still useful.

But today had been a day for letting go.

Strangely both posts have been inspired by the same thing.

I have just got a new computer and deciding what information, and what bookmarks to transfer over from the old one to the new one made me look both backwards and forwards.

As well as realising that there was a lot of good stuff on my old computer which was still inspiring and edifying, I also found that there was a Huge amount of links and downloads which I had saved before my world came crashing down over two years ago.

The source of my heartbreak was when my grandson who had been brought up by us since he was five weeks old went to live with his mum and dad instead.

He was five and a half when he moved out and I had been homeschooling him, so I had massive amounts of resources saved for teaching him in the future.

It came to the crunch today because I had to let go of who I thought I was, my plans, my hopes, my dreams, how I had expected things to be. Although it has been over two years since he went it was still so hard to let go of these things because of what they represented.

I do trust in the Lord and even when my heart was breaking just after he went (and for a long time) I knew that God was in control.

But even with all that two years down the line I had to pray and struggle to leave these things behind.

Don't Thow the Baby out with the Bath Water.... Especially when it's the Baby Jesus!

Well it's October which means that is now two years since I started pursuing the Catholic Faith.

It has been quite a journey and one that I am glad I have completed.

I love being in the Catholic Church, I am not the first to say it and I will not be the last ..... It was coming home!

But what of the time before that? Almost ten years of being a committed, born again, over the top, really want to get you to heaven Christian.

Do I put aside all that I learned, sources I used to help me grow closer to God, people I have fellowship with............... no of course not!

At different periods in that ten years I was more drawn to different persons of the trinity.

Getting to know God as my Father, falling in love with His Son and crying out to both to help me find the Holy Spirit all of this has been a truly amazing experience.

During my quest into the Catholic Faith, the Father the Son and the Holy Spirit have been introducing me to my Holy Mother and helping me to get to know my brothers and sisters in heaven.

Although I would no longer go and take communion in a "non Catholic" situation, there is still much joy for me in the presence of my Christian brothers and sisters who are of a different denomination.

The very thing that started me looking into the Catholic faith in the first place was that I was in a fellowship where they were very anti Catholic. The more they condemned the Catholic church the more I thought "that can't be right... you just can't dismiss the Catholic Church completely because for over a thousand years that was the only church there was".

Because the Catholic church had not always been "perfect" they wanted to write it off. They were trying to throw out the dirty bath water, but had forgotten that the baby was still in it.

The Lord Jesus that they loved so much (and I am sure that they do love him) was (and is) the cornerstone of the very church they condemned, He is the baby in the bathwater!

Now that I am a Catholic (and very happy to be one) I don't want to make the same mistake. I wont write off everything and everyone that has helped me just because it is "Christian" but not "Catholic".

There may still be some bathwater that I will need to get rid of, but as for the baby I will make sure I keep him safe!

That Classic Mummy Bear, Daddy Bear Problem!

Be careful what you wish for....

My wonderful new mattress came and it was just what I wanted.

My poor husband on the other hand was not so impressed, he felt it was a little on the soft side....

Poor man cant even turn over because it is so soft he is stuck down a hole.

Unlike Mummy Bear (with her soft bed) and Daddy Bear (with his hard bed) we don't want to have to have separate beds so hopefully we can find a solution to our problem.

I will try putting some added support under his side and if that does not work I will have to fit his side with an escape hatch!

Not So Frugal

I am getting a new mattress delivered today.

I was originally going to have a new bed, but I just could not find one that I liked as much as my old one.

I couldn't wait any longer for a new mattress as I have had terrible problems with my hip (on the side I lie on) and I think it may be because of the mattress.

I hunted down a good bargin, so why "not so frugal"?

Because I am getting a new mattress I was suddenly struck down with a terrible urge for a new quilt and new bedding!

I know it is pure greed! So I am resisting the temptation.

I will buy a new mattress protector and pillow protectors for the free pillows that are coming with the mattress (to protect my investment!).

Strange how getting one thing new can make you want even more!

Watch out for the greedy bug (I have stommped on mine, but it comes from a big family).

Putting Together a Rule of Life..... Balancing Martha and Mary

A rule of life is usually followed by a "religious" someone who is a member of an order of some kind, a monk, a nun or a friar for instance, but it can be incredibaly useful for someone like me who finds it difficult to keep balance in her life.

I could quite easily spend all day in prayer and bible study and I love to go on retreats to do just that.

When I first became a Christian that's just about what I did. I went to church on Sunday sometimes twice a day, Monday was Bible Study, or church council, Tuesday I helped with one of the childrens groups, Wednesday was nurture group, Thursday was choir practice and Friday I helped with another childrens group. Then when I was home it was more bible reading and study I also ran a praying parents group. Poor husband thought he had been deserted!

So it is very easy for me to swing so far towards Mary that there is no room for Martha.

Now I know that Jesus said that Mary had chosen the better part, but I know that my calling as a wife and a mother involves more than the spiritual.

So to help me divide my time between Mary and Martha I set up my own "private" yahoo group..... there are no members but me and you cant see it on a search.

I use the calendar on that to send myself reminders about everything!

I have my day split into sections and have a reminder for each:-

Up to 10 am ......... Morning Routine (including prayers and readings)
Up to 1 pm ......... Homemaking (I do a different "zone" each day)
Up to 2.30 ...... Lunch Break (including bible reading with my son)
Up to 5pm ...... Quiet time (including 3 o'clock prayer)
Up to 6.30 ....... Dinner preparation (including greeting my husband home from work)
Up to 8pm ........ Dinner and chat (with the family)
Up to 9pm ........ Kitchen clean up (including defrosting for tomorrow and packing my husbands lunch)
After 9pm ......... Bedtime routine (including night prayer)

These reminders have more detail than shown here.

I also have reminders for weekly and monthly things etc

Much cheaper than a secretary!

I don't consider these times set in stone, but as I always say if you don't have a plan you can't have a change of plan.

Finding Beauty in the Ordinary....

My calling to be a wife and mother involves a lot of mundane and routine tasks. These can seem so unimportant and even worthless by the standards of the world, until I consider that they are part of a bigger plan God's plan for my family. Joy and beauty can be found in the simplest of things especially when you realise you are seeing them in the presence of Almighty God. The trouble with home making is that the list of "to do's" is never ending. I make this worse because by nature I have no sense of balance.... I don't mean that I keep falling over, but I have a bit of an obsessive personality. This means that I am great at big projects, such as decorating a room where I like to get stuck in and will literally work till I drop and get it all done in record time, ending up with a real sense of accomplishment. I am not so suited to the maintaining the daily tasks which make for smooth running of a household. This is where discipline comes in, together with planning and scheduling. I am great at planning and scheduling.... not so good at sticking to it. There are so many thing I know make my life easier, menu planning, keeping an inventory of food we have in, keeping to a set bedtime, but still I wrestle against them. I have read and researched lots of information on homemaking and some has been useless to me and some has been really helpful. The Flylady site is a great resource for anyone who is in a mess and overwhelmed with taking care of their home. I love her principles and although I think there are a lot of great ideas on her site her system does not quite "fit" my families needs. I took from it what works for us. One of the things I did like was how she splits the home into "zones" which is a great idea, but where she spends a week at a time in one zone I prefer to do a different zone each day.

Mothering Means More Than Meals

Next to protecting my relationship with my darling husband I need to include plans for quality time with my children especially my son who still lives at home.

He needs special care at the moment because he has been ill since Christmas and his symptoms are quite complicated and make life difficult because he can sleep anything up to 20 hours a day on a normal day (he has even had some days when he has only managed to stay awake for about an hour).

I am having to make sure that we make the most of the time when he is awake. It would be so easy to just manage the practical stuff, sometimes it is hard enough just to get enough food and drink into him in a day and this can take over.

I want our relationship to be more than that! This means planning round getting him to church, reading the bible together, helping him to do some school work when he can and balancing all this out with trying to have some fun times with him even if this is only watching a film or having a joke together.

My Husband, My Lover, My Freind

After seting up plans for my devotional life and pinpointing what I need to do to meet my own needs in order to have something to give out the next area which needs to be "sorted out" is working on my relationship with my hubby!

Bless Him! And I really do mean that. He needs extra blessings as he has me for a wife!

It is so easy to neglect this area and take my poor darling for granted. This is made worse because we are both home lovers and so we don't go out together.

When I first became a Christian I was terribly neglectful of my sweetheart and got involved in every Christian activity I could find which amounted to something every evening.

It has to be said he was very patient with me (much more than I would have been with him).

So now I have to be very careful to make sure that he gets enough of my time and attention.

There are simple ways I do this. Firstly I always make sure that I chose carefully any outside activities which cut into my time with him. Also I try to make sure I greet him well when he comes home and do simple things like picking out tv shows that he enjoys to watch with him

Taking Care of My Other Needs

Now that I have a plan for taking care of my spiritual needs its time to tackle my other needs...

In order to meet my calling I have to learn to look after myself. Enough sleep and rest, good quality food, exercise,family time, fellowship, fun and creative pastimes. These are the things I need to add into my plans in order to be at my best and be able to then give all that I can.

Draw Close to Me and I Will Draw Close to You

If I want my Lord to draw close to me then I need to make the choice to draw close to him. Also as I need strenght to accomplish so much at the moment I need to give Christ the chance to give me that strength.

So, the first area which needs organizing is my devotional life .....

I plan to keep it as simple as possible to that my plan is easy to follow and stick to. That way I wont get overwhelmed and I can be flexible with what I want to do as "extra".

I decided that I needed to include some scripture every day along with a simple prayer routine and I also wanted to follow the flow of the liturgical year.

So, I set up my blog to help me..... On the right hand side I have a link to the Morning Offering, the Liturgical Calandar, the Daily Readings of the Church, a wonderful app for saying the Rosary and a link to the Three O'Clock Prayer.

When I get up in the morning I turn on my netbook, make coffee and while I am drinking it I work my way through these basics except the Three O'Clock Prayer which for obvious reasons has to wait till later.

I have also set aside time later in the day to read the bible with my son, we have a copy each of a chronilogical bible set out in 365 daily readings which we use for this.

I finish of the day with Compline (night prayer) when I get into bed.

As well as this I have started going to a bible study on Monday night and want to work out the best times for adoration and confession.

Difficult Times

It seems like forever since my last post.

My sons illness which started after Christmas continues and although we have seen improvemnets in some areas, the fatigue he suffers from went from bad to worse. Now the medical people have come to the conclusion that he has Chronic Fatigue Syndrome.

Life has been very difficult and worrying to say the least.

On top of that our fostered child has moved on to a new placement and we don't feel able to take on a new one until things are more sorted out for our son. This of course puts us under more pressure financially.

With all the added stresses I have become very worn out myself and life has become very disorganised and even getting to church has been very difficult.

I realised that I needed to sit down, take the bull by the horns and reorganize every thing and I do mean everything!

But I know that its ok.... I have help!

As long as I put my trust in the Lord, he'll get me through ANYTHING!

This doesn't completely get me off the hook though I still have to do my part to fulfil the vocation that He has called me to.

I have the comfort and assurance of knowing that as long as I do what I can He will do what I can't!