If I am afflicted, abandoned, desolate, I will keep Him company in the Garden.
This was because only days before while on my retreat I had been meditating (or at least my version of it) on Psalms 42 and 43 in which there is a line which is repeated several times.....
"Why am I so depressed? Why this turmoil within me?"
This was often followed by "Put your hope in God, for I will still praise him."
At this point these words totally summed up what was going on in my own mind.
As a family we have been going through some terrible problems (the major one being my sons health) and just before I left to come on retreat yet more problems had added to the pile.
It was on this retreat that all this came to a head in my thoughts and I reached the end of my tether.
I found myself totally immersed in this verse. The questions went round and round in my mind. Why was I so depressed? Why this turmoil within me? I knew that I truly did put my hope in God so how could I still feel like this?
In the cross references I saw listed Matthew 26:38 and there were the words of Jesus spoken in the Garden "My soul is swallowed up in sorrow - to the point of death."
He had voiced my own thoughts. My soul felt as though it was swallowed up by my sorrow.
I felt so close to him and I knew without a doubt that he knew what I was feeling. Even more than that,
I knew that he would not condemn me for my thoughts and think less of me. He would still be able to see that my hope was in God despite them.
For He Himself had felt terrible anguish although His hope could never be anywhere but with His Father.
So from now on when things seem unbearable and I am afflicted, abandoned, desolate not only will I do as the Passionists recommend and keep Him company in the Garden, but I will run there as quick as I can!
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